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Aug 15th, 2020, Saturday
Woke up at 4 am as usual, but got up 15 min later cause V took his shower first.
In complete darkness, kissed him good morning, then shower and some 45 min of exercise (mini ballet-barre and abc, lying on the floor) and some yoga things, breathing exercises for the latter got outside and sat on the porch feeling how quiet and still is everything, it was some little time before the sunrise.
Off to work at 5:43 am, carrying a lot of stuff: two doughs and a sheet of butter prepared for the croissants, a pack of eggs, three packs of cream and two freshly cut mint stables for cocktails and lemonades. It was very early but on our way met a neighbour's son who obviously was coming back home after a sleepless night out. For a moment I envied him.
At the café at 5:54 am, V went to the beach for his yoga class, I stayed, fed two of our cats and then made the dough for 4 loafs of rye sourdough bread and a loaf of a gluten free buckwheat bread, made cinnamon swirls and put everything in the fermentation box... unit? oven? I don't know how one should call it in English, as English is obviously not my first language. Anyway, in the oven that is not an oven cause it is supposed to keep the temperature at 50 C max so that the dough can be properly fermented before baking.
No one showed up for the yoga class by the way. No idea why so, but none of us were upset cause V had quite a busy Friday and two massage sessions arranged for today, that's why we took it with a certain relief. He went for a quick dip in the sea while I was cleaning and finishing my morning kitchen duties, then Bojana came and took the charge, V started with croissants that require a very precise timing and I went to the beach. It was 7:34 am when I was done with my swimming, it was more for fun than for an exercise bc the waves were rather high, but after missing three days due to my period, it felt absolutely lovely.
Oh I forgot to mention one thing.
While I was in the kitchen on my own, I was listening to the "Gentleman Jack" theme song on repeat and that's pretty much shows the level of obsession that I am experiencing now, cause I never listen to anything on repeat, and actually I've never felt such a strong interest for a person who was living more than 200 years ago. Well, I did, of course, I was interested in some people's biographies and life stories, but the way I experience it all now is different. I can't get the thought of her out of my head. I walk thinking of her. I think: what would Anne Lister do? I feel if I knew her for my entire life. Or as if I was waiting to meet her (well, to know about her) for my whole life. The fact that she existed, that she was real, that her life was real and her feelings were real fascinates me. Bc of her diaries, bc she was a diarist and one can get to know her through her written words, makes it all so personal, so intimate.
Once I said to W that she actually was that hero, the embodiment of power, who I had been dreaming of as a child.
And it is true, she was and is, such a person, but the same words may be referred to Anne Lister as well.
It feels like, I knew there should have been someone like her in this weird space of human history, there should have been someone as audacious, as bold, as swagger and as compelling as herself. She called it "oddity" for I have no idea if there were a word "lesbian" back then, but the fact that she preferred the fairer sex, knew her ways, never married to a man, but to a woman in the middle of the XIX century is just... stunning. Unbelievable. Beautiful. (esp considering the fact that at her time women were not allowed to neither study in university nor vote).
When I became aware of how and when she died, I felt like a very dear person was gone.
I still feel it now. This grief - back to 1840, to nowadays.
So, the story goes like this.
I had no idea of Anne Lister a week ago.
Watched the first episode of "Gentleman Jack", an amazing series that portrays her and her time, her home in Halifax, and the story of her acquaintance with Ann Walker, a fantastic job done by Sally Wainwright and crew and cast, and Suranne Jones. Fell in after the first minute of the first episode.
And since then I just can't get the thought of her out of my head. I research, read, think. I know that I'd love to (I need to) visit Halifax and Shibden Hall one day. I feel so... in love. You know how being in love makes one feel absolutely omnipotent, even immortal. That's how I feel. But not with her, but just with the very fact that she existed. As if I was given a bit of her enormous energy through time and space.
That's why I am writing all this.
Shall I let myself be inspired by Anne Lister and try to write in this diary more frequently, more regularly?
Not for an audience as it was before, but to keep it as a diary completely to myself, as a helpful tool to go through the day and to write about real things. What I do, what and when, what I think, what I feel. It might help to slow down. Though I am afraid that it will be so immensely boring. That my life is boring. That keeping a diary would actually reveal that my life is nothing but an ordinary, boring, eventless one. I barely see people. I have very little friends. I am not involved in anything but my work, and even here the involvement is not very deep. I live a life that may seem dull to many, I am afraid that the diary will make it obvious how shallow I am and uninteresting, lazy and self-conscious, the one who just writes but never does anything - real. I don't know. Am I this? What is real? I don't know. One can't really say about someone that she is this or she is that. We are all so complex.
The thing that always irritates me that exactly when one would like to go on with the writing, when the tempo is right, the clock strikes and makes it obvious that it's time to prepare dinner or to do something else equally important for surviving. So I'll be get going. Though, it was a pleasure, dear diary.
Till the next time.
Woke up at 4 am as usual, but got up 15 min later cause V took his shower first.
In complete darkness, kissed him good morning, then shower and some 45 min of exercise (mini ballet-barre and abc, lying on the floor) and some yoga things, breathing exercises for the latter got outside and sat on the porch feeling how quiet and still is everything, it was some little time before the sunrise.
Off to work at 5:43 am, carrying a lot of stuff: two doughs and a sheet of butter prepared for the croissants, a pack of eggs, three packs of cream and two freshly cut mint stables for cocktails and lemonades. It was very early but on our way met a neighbour's son who obviously was coming back home after a sleepless night out. For a moment I envied him.
At the café at 5:54 am, V went to the beach for his yoga class, I stayed, fed two of our cats and then made the dough for 4 loafs of rye sourdough bread and a loaf of a gluten free buckwheat bread, made cinnamon swirls and put everything in the fermentation box... unit? oven? I don't know how one should call it in English, as English is obviously not my first language. Anyway, in the oven that is not an oven cause it is supposed to keep the temperature at 50 C max so that the dough can be properly fermented before baking.
No one showed up for the yoga class by the way. No idea why so, but none of us were upset cause V had quite a busy Friday and two massage sessions arranged for today, that's why we took it with a certain relief. He went for a quick dip in the sea while I was cleaning and finishing my morning kitchen duties, then Bojana came and took the charge, V started with croissants that require a very precise timing and I went to the beach. It was 7:34 am when I was done with my swimming, it was more for fun than for an exercise bc the waves were rather high, but after missing three days due to my period, it felt absolutely lovely.
Oh I forgot to mention one thing.
While I was in the kitchen on my own, I was listening to the "Gentleman Jack" theme song on repeat and that's pretty much shows the level of obsession that I am experiencing now, cause I never listen to anything on repeat, and actually I've never felt such a strong interest for a person who was living more than 200 years ago. Well, I did, of course, I was interested in some people's biographies and life stories, but the way I experience it all now is different. I can't get the thought of her out of my head. I walk thinking of her. I think: what would Anne Lister do? I feel if I knew her for my entire life. Or as if I was waiting to meet her (well, to know about her) for my whole life. The fact that she existed, that she was real, that her life was real and her feelings were real fascinates me. Bc of her diaries, bc she was a diarist and one can get to know her through her written words, makes it all so personal, so intimate.
Once I said to W that she actually was that hero, the embodiment of power, who I had been dreaming of as a child.
And it is true, she was and is, such a person, but the same words may be referred to Anne Lister as well.
It feels like, I knew there should have been someone like her in this weird space of human history, there should have been someone as audacious, as bold, as swagger and as compelling as herself. She called it "oddity" for I have no idea if there were a word "lesbian" back then, but the fact that she preferred the fairer sex, knew her ways, never married to a man, but to a woman in the middle of the XIX century is just... stunning. Unbelievable. Beautiful. (esp considering the fact that at her time women were not allowed to neither study in university nor vote).
When I became aware of how and when she died, I felt like a very dear person was gone.
I still feel it now. This grief - back to 1840, to nowadays.
So, the story goes like this.
I had no idea of Anne Lister a week ago.
Watched the first episode of "Gentleman Jack", an amazing series that portrays her and her time, her home in Halifax, and the story of her acquaintance with Ann Walker, a fantastic job done by Sally Wainwright and crew and cast, and Suranne Jones. Fell in after the first minute of the first episode.
And since then I just can't get the thought of her out of my head. I research, read, think. I know that I'd love to (I need to) visit Halifax and Shibden Hall one day. I feel so... in love. You know how being in love makes one feel absolutely omnipotent, even immortal. That's how I feel. But not with her, but just with the very fact that she existed. As if I was given a bit of her enormous energy through time and space.
That's why I am writing all this.
Shall I let myself be inspired by Anne Lister and try to write in this diary more frequently, more regularly?
Not for an audience as it was before, but to keep it as a diary completely to myself, as a helpful tool to go through the day and to write about real things. What I do, what and when, what I think, what I feel. It might help to slow down. Though I am afraid that it will be so immensely boring. That my life is boring. That keeping a diary would actually reveal that my life is nothing but an ordinary, boring, eventless one. I barely see people. I have very little friends. I am not involved in anything but my work, and even here the involvement is not very deep. I live a life that may seem dull to many, I am afraid that the diary will make it obvious how shallow I am and uninteresting, lazy and self-conscious, the one who just writes but never does anything - real. I don't know. Am I this? What is real? I don't know. One can't really say about someone that she is this or she is that. We are all so complex.
The thing that always irritates me that exactly when one would like to go on with the writing, when the tempo is right, the clock strikes and makes it obvious that it's time to prepare dinner or to do something else equally important for surviving. So I'll be get going. Though, it was a pleasure, dear diary.
Till the next time.
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15.08.2020 в 19:55-
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15.08.2020 в 23:10Write. Write if you can, not for others - for yourself, diaries are a beautiful and eternal medicine for the soul.
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16.08.2020 в 12:10Nitocrisss, and have these strange moments of feeling omnipotent and lost at the same time because of love...
I believe these are the highest moments of our lives when we do not only feel capable of achieving something great, but ARE really capable of doing so
Thank you for reaching out, it's very important for me too, the dialogue with other human being is very important!